#28 of the Edmonton Oilers – Connor Brown is my favorite hockey player. I love his attitude.
I love that when he got his first goal as an Oiler – the crowd at Rogers Place gave him a standing ovation. I love that I also stood up in my living room cheering him on. I love that he is a great penalty killer. I love that he gets short handed opportunities. I love his attitude – one face book video comes to mind. He is on the ice and he says “Be Great, Be Grateful” He is my under dog. Rising from injury. Working hard every game. He is my favorite Underdog – winning. Making a good game even better!
So when I stay stop choosing the Under Dog – I don’t mean sports. Choose them, all you want.
Stop Choosing Under Dogs in Relationships
Under Dog#1
Two of my three last relationships – I chose the Under Dog. One the hard done by, nothing was ever his fault, the world is tough so I will drink myself into oblivion and take it out on every one else around me. This repetitive cycle was incredibly hard to watch, even harder to live in. I went to ALANON hoping I could find a way to live in this cycle. Ultimately I determined, my son (from a previous marriage) and I didn’t need to sacrifice this one shot at life with a man who was choosing not to help himself. This is a very summed up, short version of the back and forth brain battle I suffered. And maybe one day I will write about that more. But for now, that is not the main focus of this post.
Leaving, I had a huge question I searched to be answered. Did he have narcissistic tendencies because he drank. Or did he drink as a way to cover for his narcissistic tendencies?
Under Dog#2
I received my answer through my second relationship. And I truly thought this time I wasn’t picking the under dog. This guy, he was an abuser of drugs. And he was two years into his recovery. I thought – clean and sober. Taking on the world. This guy – he is a winner! Hadn’t been in a relationship for over six years. We “found” each other on facebook dating. I knew of him. Was my niece’s father’s best friend growing up. Things moved massively fast. He needed a place to stay due to a renter not paying. I had reservations the whole time! “But its meant to be! Why wait?” First red flag. But he is an overcomer of challenges. He did one of the hardest things! To get clean and sober. The problem was, he was an avoider. The same victim mentality. Me, being understanding to a dangerous fault, thought “It must be me” Thank whom ever you believe to be above, that he convinced me to go to therapy. He had me convinced I was the problem. That our relationship would be survivable if I wasn’t manic, fixed my mental health issues. That is a brilliant thing to come of this all. And it was me. I was the problem. I kept picking men who would rather bring me down then do the work to step them selves up. I healed some childhood wounds, started figuring out why I am the way I am. And found the strength and resolve to finally end what was activating me nervous system on a daily basis. And would soon, if it had not already, affect my son.
How To Stop Finding Them
They have such a story. That the world was tough on them. They seem to have this caring heart, and they seem to know exactly what to say. The thing that is missing, is actions.
They choose to limit themselves. They choose to play victim. So until you solve the pity, sympathy, empathy, you feel for them. And realize they create their own success – you just may keep picking them.
The end of the relationship with Under Dog #2 – I was ready to just board up windows and doors and create my own life of peace and quiet. I read book after book, started my blog up again. Loved up on my child, helping us navigate yet another move and yet another person who I failed with. If I just never get in another relationship – I can’t keep getting hurt. Then I really started looking at where I let myself down.
I finally realized that I betrayed myself every time I ignored my intuition because I trusted their words….
I Set Some Boundaries
Boundary #1 – Never again will I be afraid to call out a red flag. Being completely honest, they were there. And I was afraid to question the behavior. Why? Because I was scared to find out the truth. Because I didn’t want to cause the end of a relationship just starting? It was exactly what was needed! If me asking why something is happening, and it causes the relationship to end, that is a blessing! If you have ever been here – or there – shaming yourself for not questioning the red flag. I get it. I see you. Life is about living and learning and I hope now – you see the value in asking.
Boundary #2 – No guy was moving in. Ever! Then I edited that. No guy was ever moving in under 1 year, at the very least. Again, if this causes the end of a relationship – so be it. In both scenarios, they said cost was a reason to move in. They were in a tough spot. I firmly believe now, the winner you are looking for – won’t ever be in this spot. And if he happens to have made a business choice that failed and caused him to lose everything – he will move in with his parents before asking you.
Boundary #3 – I will not allow myself to be responsible for the feelings or actions of others. I control three things in this world: What I say, what I do, and what I think/feel. The last one is trickier because knee jerk reactions, nervous systems, etc. However, they are something I can manage with care. Take others into consideration. You can tell some one the truth with out being intentionally mean. You can be supportive. So with that, I draw the line. If they lack accountability (and you will see it) I will not take that accountability personally. That is on them.
Boundary #4 – My body my choice. If I want to have a drink, I will. If I want to wear sweats and leggings out to dinner, I will (also I have done this just recently – zero regrets). If I don’t want some one to touch me, they will not. In fact, I can explain that permission must be given. This is one area in my life where asking for forgiveness isn’t easier than asking for permission.
Boundary #5 – No means no and I don’t have to provide an explanation. And if I do provide one, they don’t decide if it is enough of one. I know my truths, I know my ethics. No one will make me question them ever. again.
Boundary #6 – If finding someone is going to happen – it will be organically. So much time spent scrolling through. Swiping left or right. Ghosted conversations. I made a commitment to myself to never join one again. If it took 5 years to happen organically – so be it. If it didn’t happen at all, so be it. It was too soon for it to happen anyways. I had other plans and goals.
Boundary #7 – My dreams and goals will never be sacrificed. The person I am in a relationship with will celebrate that I have them, even if he doesn’t understand why I have chosen a particular one. He will celebrate that I am a mom and trying hard to provide and be a great one.
Be Massively Accountable
To yourself. If you have been finding underdogs, and don’t know if you can trust yourself to find good and pure – start with making good decisions and sticking them out.
If you said you were going to paint a room and haven’t yet – go do it.
If you said you were going to get to the gym – go do it.
No one is coming to save you. And you don’t want them too. People will come and help you. And you should allow this. Help them back. Be the good you want to find in this world.
As you make more and more decisions and commitments to yourself, you will build that trust. You will build confidence. You will wonder how in the heck you stayed so long with the under dog. You will see the next under dog as the guy who isn’t accountable, who doesn’t try, who plays the victim and it will be so unattractive to you.
Be So Busy Making Things Happen For You – You Don’t See The One Coming
I started my blog again, I was reading, creating. I had given notice at a job to start with a company in its growing stages and that excited me. I had dreams again, working out again. I was focused on being a damn good parent to my son again!
He completely caught me off guard. I was working on finding glimmers in the world. Instead of triggers. I can’t remember where I heard of it originally but the word itself just makes me happy. Who doesn’t want to glimmer, or find glimmers? I wanted to stop seeing the world as a scary place and get back to the love I had for it when I was single before. He had come into the place I worked about a year before. And I didn’t remember him right away until he spoke jogging my memory of what he said last year. And then I smiled. I spotted a glimmer! Yay! He was kind, polite, professional last year. And he was again this year. Seeing more good in the world made me happy.
After helping him, I even told me co-worker and close friend – he had serious Kevin Costner vides.
Not thinking much more of it.
The next day I had an email asking to go for coffee or to the CFR (Canadian Finals Rodeo) And while this story is my favorite love story of all time, and there have been many more chapters – the post ends here.
Choose the Winner
I don’t like to think of anyone being better than anyone else. It feels judgey and frankly rude to do so. We are all just human beings trying to human do out there. However, the man I am with today has made it very clear that some people are just losers. The people who go around hurting others because they are weak. Those who go around hurting others to get a head. They are losers. So your job, in this game of life, is to chose the winner. The one who is respectful, who shows up every day trying his best, who knows how to provide, who is focused on winning with you. Choose them – like your life depends on it.
We get one shot at this life and if done well – once is enough <3