I Wasn’t Broken — I Was Scared
How fear, trauma, and shame can make us hurt the people we love—and how forgiveness brings us back to ourselves.

Scared people do mean things.

When someone is terrified inside, they often fight everyone around them. They blame, they lash out, they push people away.

It isn’t an excuse. But it is a weakness.

I walked around scared for a year and a half.
Terrified of seeing my ex. Ashamed of how I behaved in that relationship. You can call it reactive abuse, self-defense, or trauma responses — but the truth is that I betrayed myself by staying in something that hurt me.

Instead of leaving, I lost myself.

Shortly after, I entered a relationship with a really good man. But every disagreement triggered something in me. I would get angry. Dramatic. I would threaten to leave.

I never used to do that.

I once had great conflict resolution skills. But fear had taken over my nervous system.

He tried. He truly tried to weather the storms.

Eventually he ended the relationship.

And yet he still stayed kind. Still present. Still supportive, just at a distance.

Our dynamic had a push-pull energy, but most of that pull lived inside me. Part of me wanted to trust. Another part of me was absolutely terrified to.

The shame I felt was overwhelming.

Until I realized something important.

I wasn’t broken.

I was scared.

So scared that I trusted no one — not even myself.

One day I pulled up my ex’s photo on Facebook and forced myself to really see him. Not the person who hurt me. The scared little boy underneath it all.

And I forgave him.

Forgiving the scared little boy in him allowed me to forgive the scared parts of myself.

I don’t get that good relationship back.

And that’s okay.

I can hold the sadness and the longing without spiraling. I can learn the lessons and return to myself.

Life contains both failure and joy. Hurt and growth.

Right now I’ve asked for space so my mind, body, and heart can accept the change in the relationship. I refuse to lose myself again or bleed my pain onto someone who tried to care for me.

I was a victim of emotional abuse. I have come to terms with this.

But I refuse to stay a victim in my own mind.

Taking responsibility for my healing is how I take my power back.

Being emotionally clean is the path forward.

I’m not perfect. I still stumble sometimes.

And it feels like learning to walk again on new, wobbly legs — accessing emotions I buried for years because fear consumed me.

You have permission to feel everything.

That is your human right.

The only things you must control are what you do, what you say, what you think — and what you choose to do after the emotional wave passes.

My Personally Used Tools for Emotional Regulation

• Journaling during emotional waves. My daily process is found here.
• Nervous system regulation (breathing, walking, grounding)
• Lists – not to do – but what you are good at. What makes you happy, What makes you original.
• Learning about attachment styles – our closest relationships can trigger us the most
• Practicing emotional responsibility instead of blame. To yourself and others.
• Being responsible for your triggers and understanding they are just that.
• Youtube – Heidi Priebe – Videos on regulation, relationships, healing trauma
• Internal Family Systems – the 8 C’s of Self. Meditation. I used the work book and found it very impactful.

External Links

Trauma can leave our nervous systems constantly scanning for danger. As trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk explains, our bodies often react long before our minds understand why.

Trauma & Nervous System

Bessel van der Kolk – Trauma research
https://www.besselvanderkolk.com

Polyvagal Theory (Stephen Porges)
https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org

Trauma & emotional responses explanation
https://www.psychologytoday.com

Emotional Regulation

One of my most used techniques to help expand my window of tolerance. It is quick to think of and has helped me immensley:

The 90-Second Emotion Rule (Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor)
Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor explains that the chemical life of an emotional reaction lasts roughly 90 seconds. What happens after that depends on the story we continue telling ourselves.

If you’ve ever realized that fear shaped how you showed up in a relationship, you’re not alone.
Healing begins the moment we choose responsibility over blame and compassion over shame.

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