When Life Gets Heavy and You Can’t Fight That Ick Feeling
You ever have an exceedingly rough day or even week. You ultimately know it will get better but right now you are going to let it affect you. You are going to go through the motions. And then you run into that friend – who is amazing! Always there for you. And they say: What’s wrong? Something is off? Want to talk about it? Seriously, what’s going on?
You know they can’t fix it. You know you are the only who can. But in the mean time, you just aren’t yourself. You don’t like it, they don’t like it. There is no magical switch to flip.
This is where I like to save space. And where I like to ask to have it saved for me.
I truly consider it one of the highest forms of showing love. When we can do this for others.
Feeling Safe Is The Best Feeling
We are told many times – we are not robots, we deserve rest! Yet we feel shame when we feel off. When we feel like we can’t show up for others. This often compounds the struggle of already feeling like we are not enough.
If you have a friend, a coworker, a spouse who is feeling off – maybe just let them know “Hey, I see you and I am saving space for you” Let people know it is okay to be off. And that you trust they will be back. No matter if that is physically or emotionally or spiritually or mentally.
I fully believe that we, as individuals, know exactly what it is that we need to do – to overcome our obstacles. We just don’t always have the tools or resources or immediate drive to get it done. The more our friends or partners believe in us, the more motivation we will feel. When we are trusted to fix our own “ness” (meaning business, messiness, humanness – what ever that ness is) we believe it in ourselves as well. The friend that “just wants to help” is a beautiful friend. But the friend that says “I see you, I am here for you and welcome you back when ever you are ready” is gold.
The person on the receiving end feels seen, supported and validated. They will feel more encouraged to come back into the space when they are ready and they won’t rush their own process. They feel SAFE to be themselves.
Saving Space Doesn’t Mean They Always Physically Leave
We really live in the era where feeling things other than happiness seems wrong. A person having a bad day – we are quick to swoop in and try to make that bad feeling go away. Its honorable but also not always what is needed. I say if you can make some one day’s better – always do it! But some times that also looks like just letting them be them.
Story time: My friend B had moved in with me while she was wrapping up her employment and finding renters so she could move in with her boyfriend 2 hours away. She was due to be working long hours, 12 and one day off a week. Honestly the timing was awesome because I had just moved back to my place after ending a toxic relationship so I was not super lonely with my rollercoaster thoughts. After about a month of this she was played out and running on “E”. When she got home from work I was super happy to see her! I had all this big energy to see her. Right away I caught on – B is not B right now. I said “how was your day” pretty much knowing the answer would be “exhausting”. I let her know when dinner would be and said what ever you need – I am here. “I will be here when you return.” She was grateful I didn’t push further. She went for a tub. After her tub she decided to eat with me. After a while of comfortable silence she said to me. “You are really great at letting me be me, no matter who I am in that moment” I told her “I love all the you. You have been going through a lot and I just needed to let you know I am here. Show up however you are. I accept it. I am saving space for you”
She chose to have that space away on her own. And then she chose to share that space with me. Soon we were laughing again and planning her future (I see wedding bells!)
Build Closeness While They Are Pushing Away
If some one is going through a tough time and you want to help – always ask “What can I do?” If they don’t know, let them know that it is okay. And say the words “I will save space for you. If you want to sit here and exist, I am honored to sit with you. If you want to go be alone for a bit, I will save space for you. Just know, I am here for you” And watch that person feel seen, safe, and understood.
The only way to get over something – is to go through it. No pushing under a rug, no turning away and trying to walk around it. It can be messy, feel incredibly uncomfortable – how ever the outcome is necessary. The lesson is there.
Story time: While I was going through the after effects of a toxic relationship ending – I went through so many motions. Feeling like sometimes, everything all at once. I wanted to hide. I wanted to pretend it didn’t hurt that bad. B, she could see it. Any time I said “I just want to be over it already!!!” She would remind me who I was. She would say “It does feel awful right now, I know and that is okay. You be you. I will be right here” She just let me know she understood this wasn’t the me I wanted to be – but there was nothing wrong with her. She saved space for me. In her way, with her wording. I heard it loud and clear. Then proceeded to bawl for the next 30 minutes. As I was trying so hard to hold it in. You know what, I felt much better after, letting it all out.
Please Please Please Just Don’t Take It Personally
If your friend who is struggling seems very off and is out of character – don’t question what you have done wrong. Don’t feel like this is some how your fault. Unless you did intentionally hurt them – how ever, that would be a different blog post entirely.
The expression “the straw that broke the camels back” comes to mind. They are already having a hard time and then they have probably been met with a thousand questions of: whats wrong? are you okay? what happened?
I am not saying it is okay if this struggling person bites out – I am saying we can show them grace all the same. Understanding that it is not about us. Take the ego out of the equation and think how you would be feeling in the same position. Soften, lean in, and let them know you are saving that space. It feels good to provide that space. It feels good to be safety for some one else. Because we need that safety for our selves some times.
When they come back to their favorite version of themselves – you are more than welcome to have that conversation – if some unkind things where said. I feel like it will have been on their mind as well. Just remember – how some one is treating you, is a reflection of who they are. And not necessarily who they are all the time, but who they are right in that moment.
Don’t Forget To Save Space For Yourself!
I feel like ick is a great word for expressing that off feeling. Nothing feels right, clothes don’t fit, that one strand of hair keeps falling out of place and you are willing to cut it all off, you hit a pot hole and spill your coffee – honestly can the world just stop for a moment?!
It won’t. But you can. You can acknowledge that what you are going through is really hard. You can take a moment to save space for yourself. Stop, sit and breathe. Tell yourself what you would tell your best friend. “Its not okay right now, but it will be. This is a bad moment, and I still have a beautiful life to live. Take the time, save the space and feel it all. The world will still be there doing worldy things when I get back”
And be so bold to give your friends the heads up! Let them know “I am not my most favorite version of myself right now. Everything feels heavy at the moment. If you could just save space for me – I would be very grateful. And I will be back”
For those friends that want to help, need to help, you are letting them know exactly how they can do that. And you are building closeness, trust, security and safety in that relationship.
xoxo
If you have any feedback or anything to add – I would absolutely love to hear from you! It would truly make my day!