t. .
The after math of the break up:
I was week one – living on my own. Moved out of the house I thought, and was told would be my forever home. Feeling raw and jagged. However, knowing to the depth of my soul that I could no longer stay in that relationship – I was left feeling and thinking a million miles a minute and going no where fast. I literally came to the conclusion that everyone is, in fact, a narcissist. Including my self. It was a scary thought.
If you are at this place – I am here to tell you – its going to be okay. And I understand why you could be thinking that way. You are entering protect mode. And this is not a bad place to be. If your heart has been ripped apart; Your soul felt exposed and you had your vulnerabilities used against you – you have the absolute right to enter protection mode.
I took one day off work to move. Other wise I was packing between my shifts. I didn’t take time for me. Firstly I didn’t want my fellow team mates to be short staffed. And truthfully, I didn’t want to admit the relationship ending hurt as bad as it did. My nervous system would not settle until I was out. And I thought, the moment I moved back to my little duplex – I would be healed. Ahhh, even then such a positive, hopeful thinker.
Introducing Anger:
I was working with a few negative minded people and to be completely honest – I was not handling it the way I typically had. My goodness, I was also the negative person! My walls were up, 60 feet tall and bullet proof. No one was going to hurt me again. And no one was going to hurt other people ever again. All of these narcissists had to be stopped! The tension built in me and I got into an argument with my boss. He ended up throwing papers and yelling, standing up and getting what felt like 2 inches from my face. I panicked. I said I was going home for a mental health day and that he could fire me if he wanted too. I let my boss’s boss know that I felt what happened was unacceptable and that I could no longer handle my nervous system being activated in a working environment. I had been through too much.
I started questioning everyone’s actions. I made people promise that they weren’t just telling me what I wanted to hear. That if I was in fact crazy, they would tell me. That I swore I wouldn’t be upset. That I understand everyone has their own agendas. I was so willing for some one to tell me that I was the narcissist because then I knew what to do with therapy. I would know what I have to fix.
What felt like a stumble was actually a fall:
I took an additional 2 days off, when I walked off my shift. I sat and I accepted that I was not thinking in my favorite way. This wasn’t me? Who was this angry woman? All I could think was that I needed to protect myself from all of the anger in this world. But I couldn’t go about it this way. I needed to figure out a plan on how to live in a world where so many selfish people seem to run rampant. I went in on a Saturday and I knew I was going to given the silent treatment from one of my coworkers. Because I left them all short staffed. I already felt like I was not going to be understood. I was in fact correct, I was given the silent treatment and when I confronted the behavior – I was lied too. Oh great, gaslit again. I did not cower. I also did not handle it in the way I wish I would have. But the way I handled it before – in the relationship – nothing helped or changed then either. All I knew, was that I wasn’t going cower to it, anymore. I received angry phone calls from both my boss and his boss. I remember clearly stating “You have a right to be angry. What anger does not do, is give you permission to treat people like garbage. And I will stand up for myself. You can also consider this my notice. I will be leaving once harvest is over” And I absolutely meant it.
Assessing the damage:
I took the last week of the month clear off work. I barred myself up in my house. I read two books. “Why does he do that” Lundy Bancroft and “It Isn’t You” Dr Ramani Durvasula. I watched reel after reel of narcissistic abuse on facebook. I crammed as much Mel Robbins podcast in as I could. I saw my therapist twice in the time I left. I journaled, I yoga’d, I got a gym membership. I drank for the first time in over a year. Sang Karaoke. Stayed up way too late. Couldn’t sleep past 3:00am. I cried for hours. I messaged friends, made phone calls, ruminated for what seemed like 5 years. I broke open. I spilled out every where. I made a promise that it would NEVER happen again. But how? Boundaries. I didn’t even know where to begin. But I definitely knew I needed them.
I know everyone’s timeline is different. Not everyone can take time off work. Not everyone can buy the books or dedicate the time to the podcasts. I know not everyone need the same things. My recommendation is you cram. You learn about people who you didn’t dream possible were existing. You listen to others stories and you see them thriving.
You will realize that no, not everyone are narcissists. You learn people can have traits and tendencies. We all can. Put people under enough pressure or their backs up against the wall – they will protect themselves. I learned that 1 in 5 people have narcissistic personality type. And that I can trust myself to better identify them and hold boundaries to keep safe. I’ve learned soooooooo much. I am not the same person. I am rebuilding and I am coming back with true strength and resiliency.
Narcissist or Not – You Decide Who Is In Your Life
You are going to meet people in this life and you may want to label them. Then you feel you may know the boundary you need in place. But I hope you find deeper than that. I hope you find that you don’t need to label people to understand not everyone is meant to be understood. And that they can live their lives and not have it affect yours. We aren’t meant to fix others, we are meant to help others. There is a difference. And sometimes helping others, means leaving them alone.
74 days post break up and 69 days living on my own as I write this. I have reconnected with amazing friends and family. I have met new people. Some days I feel like I am right back at square one. And other days I say “Russell who?” Healing – as you may have heard already, and know already, is not linear. And when you can accept your thoughts, your ruminations, your feelings – the path seems to straighten a little. I hope in this time, you look at yourself with compassion and love. That you trust the process and see that you can and always could trust yourself. You hold the keys to your heart and you decide who stays in your life.
And that no, not everyone is a narcissist. There are so many beautiful people out there in this world. You, yourself being one of them.
xoxo