Alright, I will begin with a bit of a back story. Please bear with me. I feel like it is relevant.
Fresh out of a marriage, on the separation journey I met a guy on Tinder. He moved fast. I was not in the greatest place emotionally and I ate up the kind words.
Meant to be? No way! I found “my person” so fast?? He’s just so amazing! He was also an alcoholic with anger issues, a terrible co-parenting relationship. I so boldly offered for him to quit his job so he could full time parent his son and ensure he is being taken care of. Which resulted in my house almost being burnt down, his son still missing school and a lot – an excruciating amount of anxiety. Not to mention isolation from my family, eggshells were more like broken glass. I stumbled across the word narcissist looking up on google what was wrong with me. Then upon learning the word I was convinced, possibly, I was one.
I questioned if he was an alcoholic because he was a narcissist or if he was a narcissist because he was an alcoholic. If I could get him to just quit drinking. Then I could find out. Spoiler alert – I never did find out. After 3.5 years – the relationship became physically abusive and I clawed my way out. Moved back to my home town and was absolutely driven to leave this relationship in the past.
A few years later, after dating some very unavailable men, emotionally and physically (ghosting is so weird) and breaking up with the nice guy because he was more than willing to change his goal of having a family for me. Which broke both of our hearts but would be much better in the long run. I met a guy who I knew OF on FaceBook dating. He was a friend of my neice’s family. I thought this could be good. He also was a recovered addict who was sober and had done the work! Great! Overcome challenges and actively works on himself.
A quick moving relationship yet again. And a lot of pain later. 2 week cycle of everything being fine as long as I was doting. And then what felt like absolute devastation if I brought up anything at all. The relationship lasted 15 months. Oh and it answered my whole alcoholic/narcissism question – using is a cover. Jerks are jerks, they use the drug of choice as the cover for the behavior. The excuse.
In the defense of this, I did start going to therapy, I started reading again and doing what I love. I really do feel like I became a fundamentally changed person after this hurt.
Now that being said. Was he or was he not a narcissist and why did I have to become so obsessed with finding out?
Hope That He Is a Narcissist
Ugh if he was for sure a narcissist then I could at least know there was no hope, not even a shadow of a doubt that he would change! That I didn’t “give up” on some one I love because they are incapable of love themselves. I could forgive myself for walking away because it was NEVER going to work.
Hope That He Was Not a Narcissist
He’ll change! He’ll see that I was really trying and he will change! He will start loving me right and he will see we can continue on if he just changes these abusive behaviors. Then it wouldn’t have all been for nothing.
It Doesn’t F***ing Matter and I’ll Tell You Why
I said the key word already. Abuse. What happened to me and what has happened to you is Abuse. You can sugar coat on it, you can go back and forth. And you will. Its part of the healing journey – the rumination. *I promise you will get through it.
The fact that I was taking a stand and trying to tell him how I was being treated was not right – was a sign the abuse was happening in the first place. When your survival instinct is activated, when you are on edge, when you are trying so hard to keep the peace – because if you don’t there will be fights, name calling, yelling. Believe me that is abuse.
So at the end of the day – label or not – good people who want to have a healthy, collaborative relationship – do NOT go around hurting another person. You may be thinking – well I hurt him as well and I appreciate your willingness to own accountability.
How ever two things can exist here: they hurt you and when you hurt them back – that does not mean you need to stay to be punished. I implore you to leave.
Abuse is abuse. Label or not. They are hurting you. The label I would be willing to give anyone in this scenario – Not A Good Person and that is enough to end a relationship. With zero regrets.
*I understand that not everyone can leave, for their reasons. I then suggest reaching out to a therapist who specializes in abuse. And reading Why Does He Do That – Lundy Bancroft. A great starting point with excellent advice and knowledge about these scenarios.
This Is About You
It breaks my heart that narcissism and the havoc narcissists create is so documented, written about, blogged about. That they have this much affect and power over people. I want to fight back. Maybe push back is the word. But I am unwilling to sit idly by any more.
I want to show you that you can take your power back.
It’s going to be a fairly wild journey. Leaving an abusive relationship is very similar to quitting drugs. In fact, the highs and lows are exactly what addicts a person to the drug in the first place.
It is why no contact is the best route. You can’t smoke meth just occasionally and not have it be a slippery slope to full blown addiction. And this person you need to quit, is meth.
Purge. Purge all of it from your system. The crazy thing is, you will want to reach out to them! And that’s okay – just DON’T DO IT! You will sit through so many emotions that feel like – in the moment, you will never get through – and you will. You will read, you will cry, you will beg to yourself, you will feel relief and sadness all at the same time. Your healing journey will be an incredible chapter. It only has to be a chapter. Not your whole life.
You will learn lessons. You will finally realize how important boundaries are and figure out exactly what you need in place. You will be a better human being, and a stronger advocate for yourself. If you allow it.
This is how. How we push back. We share our stories, we help others feel not so alone going through it. It is how we help the next generation coming up and how we build a stronger community.
Abusive people exist. And we don’t have to give them any power. Take a way the power and what are they? Scared, weak and full of shame. You may even get to the stage where you feel sorry for them (at a distance of course) and where you wish them healing (at a distance of course).
Look Where You Want To Go
What I know for sure: the longer you entertain them and give them access to you. The longer you are stopping the right energy from getting in. The good energy. The good people who are out there who know exactly how to treat a person right.
What they are or who they are does not matter. This is about you now. And it will be for the rest of your life. You have been surviving. That that power back by thriving.
xoxo
*Leaving can be the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship- so please be sure to research. There are really great posts and social networks that can help. Your safety (and your children’s safety) is priority.
Two books that helped me immensely where “Why Does He Do That” Lundy Bancroft and “Its Not You” Ramani Durvasula, PHD. I believe my life was saved and I went from surviving to thriving with these books. I have zero affiliation, I am just so grateful for the opportunity to read them – I would be foolish not to share their words with the world.
Reach out to your trusted friends and let them know what is going on and that you need help.
I believe in you. You can do this.