Recently, I have gotten out of a toxic relationship. I read non-stop for a while. To be honest, it seemed to be the only thing that turned down the volume of the repetitive thoughts. “What is he doing?” “Why won’t he call me?” “Did he ever love me?” “Does he even care he destroyed my heart?!” Over and over and over again. This lovely little cycle of mental torture, being referred to as Rumination.
The rumination is actually a good thing. I know, I know. It sucks, so bad! But hear me out. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD wrote in her book “Its Not You” – rumination is something to lean into and let it play its course. You stop ruminating when you mind has ran through all possible scenarios and has finally, given up hope. Hope that it would have ever worked out. Hope that they could change. Hope that what was broken, would be fixed.
Honestly, I just don’t think relationships – good healthy ones – are all that hard. Yes they have seasons. Ups and downs, external stressors. However, your relationship should be a place where you can show up as your most authentic self and you are loved because of it. So my hope for you, if you are currently in a toxic relationship, that you get out. We have one shot at this life and if we live it well, once is enough. If you are in a toxic relationship and you can’t get out – I hope you still find my words helpful. I hope you read and research how best to maintain your wellness. In all areas. Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I see you.
Truth be told, there is no magic word, no finger snap that will quicken the pace of the rumination. That I can truly be honest about. However, there is some peace I hope to be able to offer you.
Not All Thoughts Are Valid
You ever suffer from intrusive thoughts? They are actually quite normal. They can make you feel uncomfortable thinking of them. They can make you feel embarrassed the thought could even cross your mind.
For example: Every once and a while when I am driving down a long stretch of highway, my brain thinks “What would happen if I just jerked my wheel into the ditch?”
Now I am not saying I am going to jerk my wheel into the ditch. Yikes. That would be expensive to say the least. And devastatingly tragic to say the most.
That being said. I have had the thought of “what if I did call him?” I even had the thought of getting back together. Key an intrusive thought. And just that. A thought. It doesn’t mean my heart can’t let him go. It doesn’t mean I made a mistake leaving. (It wasn’t my first attempt. How ever it was my last one) I know fully to my core, leaving was the only way. How ever the brain has a mind of its own… no pun intended. The brain runs on autopilot and runs on what is familiar. I quit smoking. I know how bad it is for my health. That did not stop my brain from thinking about it regularly for 3 months, at least. But I knew it for what it was, my brain feeling the trigger and wanting the easy way. Not the best way, the safest way – just the way it knows – its easy way. The easy way where nothing bad happened, immediately.
Take The Brain Off Cruise Control
You can’t control every single thought that pops into your brain. And honestly, it can be quite a good thing. It brings creativity, inspiration, motivation. Unfortunately, during a break up – even a healthy one, it can desire to go back to the “easy way”. You can take the wheel at this point. I have even said vocally, out loud (hopefully privately all the same) “That is just a thought. It has no meaning. I know what is good for me and I know I will persevere”
Did I have to repeat it regularly? Yes, multiple times an hour even. Did I feel like I was never going to stop thinking those thoughts? Yes I had my moments where I felt the sky was falling. It didn’t though. And those thoughts never enter my mind now. 116 days out.
Some times, after 2 years – 2 months – 17 days and 8 hours of being a non smoker, I think – hey, I should have a smoke! Ew, pooey. Yes my exact thoughts. There’s that brain again, running on cruise control. Saying ew, pooey may sound childish. But it is quick, it resets and I don’t pay another moments notice.
So the next time you are thinking of your ex – try “ew, pooey” or “No thank you” or “I think I am going to drink some water” Anything, to course correct and let your brain know, you are developing a new way of thinking. A healthier way of thinking. And it doesn’t involve them.
Don’t Try To Rush The Process
I know you might have clicked this post to find a way to fast track the healing stage. I am truly sorry if I have disappointed you. I did want you to read through though and know that you aren’t alone. Your thoughts are normal in the healing stage. And that you don’t have to give them meaning. If you take your time and feel the feelings, understand that they are letting you know how much you have been hurting. And where you need boundaries. Take the time to build you. Better, faster, stronger, more loving (yes definitely this) than before. You are free to love. You will love again. Boundaries ensure you are loving the people worthy of that love. Give yourself permission to stop thinking about “them”, the ones who hurt you and focus on you. You deserve it. So so so much!
I would absolutely love to hear from you. If you have more to add. Or to share your story. Story telling is one of the most effective ways of healing and taking the power away from those who hurt you. And you help heal others.
xoxo